Nanny Nights

[fivecats]

Dan's Back Yard: Rock Bench
May 2005 Chapel Thrill, NC
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Several months ago on a Monday night I caught Bonn watching one of the Nanny shows. For those of you either outside of the confines of US TV Pop Culture or immune to television's siren call, the US has been invaded by two remarkably similar shows involving a British nanny coming into a Typical American Household that's been overrun by screaming, tyranical two-foot tall monsters.

The format of these shows are staggeringly similar, too: for the first 55 minutes we see the Nanny look incredulously at the hapless parents who for some idiotic reason endure the verbal, physical and psychological trauma their Sweet Precious Angel children inflict upon them. Then, after dispensing their Nanny Words of Wisdom, a proper Naughty Stool/Mat/Whatever as a punishment/time-out area, some Common Parenting Sense drilled into the parent's heads and the kids seeing that the parents are both serious about this and consistent about the policies, things settle down. Hugs and Cuddles abound in the final moments, the family having been magically transformed into a happy, cohesive unit. As the Nanny walks away down the path from each family's front door, the reincarnation of Norman Rockwell passes her on his way in to do the obligitory Saturday Evening Post cover of them.

Okay, so I made that last part up.

At first I couldn't understand why Bonn was watching these shows. Intentionally watching someone else's train wreck of a family situation, especially when ours had calmed down since The Boy was out on his own and our home had become much calmer and more peaceful, was a foreign idea to me. I mean, these families weren't just bad, they were all pretty much awful situations from top to bottom. Instead of "Peaceful Resolution" my mind would inevitably spring to my longstanding idea (25 years old or so, back from my days substitute teaching in the public schools) of a retractable electric cattle prod. ("I'm sorry, what did you say? 'Mommy is a f*ckf@ce jerk and Daddy is Drunken Irish Thug'?" *snap snap* Grrddggiddgggge--zzzaaappp!!! "Now sit down, apologize and be quiet.")

(Two things here. First, "Drunken Irish Thug" was once one of The Boy's insults hurled in my direction. Bonn loved it so much she's held on to it and kept the phrase alive. Second, as far as Corporeal Punishment goes, that needs to be a future Americana topic -- going into it here would take far too long. Now I just have to find a 'family appropriate' image to go along with it. Talk about your photographic challenges)

Um, where was I? Oh, yes. Nanny Nights.

Mondays became Nanny 911 @ 8, 24 @ 9 and SuperNanny @ 10. (And, for the record, no, I did not think that Jack's way of dealing with "hostiles" was necessarily the best solution. Not all of the time, at least)

It turned out that Bonn was not just watching, but learning from these shows as well. We had spent inumerable days and nights arguing about how to raise The Boy, what he needed, didn't need and how much responsibility he should assume when. I was seen as too harsh; Bonn as too soft. (This is, from what I understand, typical of step-parent households) Seeing that John was still something of a tyrant, Bonn was learning how some of our mistakes could have been alleviated.

"I wish Nanny Deb could have come to our house when John was younger," she said one evening. "What am I saying? He's still that bad. Think she'd come out to help us now?" I said I doubted it. First he was 19 years old, not 1.9 years old. Second, he didn't live with us anymore. Third, I'm not sure a week would be enough. Eventually Bonn realized that we didn't need Jo to come to our house. We could do all of those things ourselves, adapting them to the raising of a 19 year old as necessary.

We've emailed today about putting together a list of expectations and rules and presenting them to The Boy together. It's a very positive step for us, I think. We've both said aloud how important our space and our time is with each other and how things need to change with The Boy in our house.

It's been amazing to see just how quickly our home has gone from a place of relative peace and refuge to the tense dwelling of The Brooding Boy in just a few days. It's time to put an end to that and get our home and our life back.

All in a loving, compassionate way, of course.

(Grrddggiddgggge--zzzaaappp!!!)

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Comments

[ladyamybug.livejournal.com]

a few things....
1. what an awesome place to sit and contemplate the world--i wish i could get my husband enthused about yard work! we have a huge spacious yard that has incredible potential but would require so much work that instead of doing a little at a time, we are overwhelmed and do nothing at all. bleh!
2. i dont think i knew you were a fan of 24. we love that show and have been addicted since the first season. while i have to admit how unrealistic it is at times, the intensity and suspense has me totally sucked in. its one of the few shows that i actually sit down and watch religiously.
3. a few times i managed to catch the last few minutes of the nanny show. obviously since i am not a parent to anything but furry kids, i dont really know how i would handle disobedient, mouthy, hyper kids. i *suspect* that i would realize my own fault in letting that behavior get started in the first place, but then again when you love a child so much that you cannot see their imperfections, i can see where things could get horribly out of line. i cant judge because i havent been there.
4. as for you guys setting down some ground-rules--im glad you are doing it together. presenting a united front is going to be key. if my parents would have done that even once, they might not have had such a precocious hellion on their hands!

[basefinder.livejournal.com]

Precocious hellion?

Sounds like a fine name for a punk rock band!

:-)
Scott

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

Although I'm not sure "precocious" is quite Punk enough.

Even though the sound of it is simply quite attrocious, I suppose if you say it long enough...

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[ladyamybug.livejournal.com]

hahahahahahaha!!! you're right! that would be hot!

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

1. Indeed. This is a very wonderous place to explore, discover and contemplate. It's also, obviously, a heck of a lot of work. I really do appreciate it all but I doubt I'd ever have the time, money or inclination to do something similar myself.

2. Yeah, well. Maybe I should expand on that just a bit. Bonn read somewhere that this season of 24 was supposed to be more "political" and, as a result, she decided she wanted to watch it. Being the encouraging husband, I offered my initial skeptical remarks about the show and then settled in next to her to watch it. Fox played this season very, very smart, running the first six hours over three consecutive days, hooking in a large audience right away. By the end of those three days I could see how bad the show was going to be. By hour 24, Bonn had long since given up on the show and I was hanging in just to see how horrid it was going to get. Plot holes you could drive a semi tractor trailer through, implausable character conversions... Well, you get the idea. I started feeling that 21 Century Schiztoid Daughter had the right idea on how to get out of the show. Reading the occasional synopsis on TelevisionWithoutPity.com helped from time to time. By the end I was convinced that Tony had put on The Red Shirt when Jack told him he wanted Tony to accompany him on The Final Trackdown. I wanted Tony to die, Bitchelle to be heartbroken and Jack to be locked up in a Chinese Torture Prison for putting me through 24 months of poorly written and acted hell.

Um. You didn't say you liked it, did you? Er, um... "Sorry".

3. I thought raising kids was easy until I had one. Having a step kid was even harder. I remember studying Children and Television for my first Masters and thinking that I would never use the television as a babysitter. That lasted until we had John and he wanted to get up EARLY on a Saturday morning.

Saturday morning cartoons was a legacy that I happily passed down to him at that point.

4. United fronts and consistency -- the keys to a lot of life.

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[new-brunette.livejournal.com]

I remember studying Children and Television for my first Masters and thinking that I would never use the television as a babysitter. That lasted until we had John and he wanted to get up EARLY on a Saturday morning.

Saturday morning cartoons was a legacy that I happily passed down to him at that point.

Spoken like a true parent. Also, never saying "Because I said so!" in response to "Why?", and other quickly-broken promises to yourself.

Supernanny Jo is fascinating, but mainly because I shudder every time she says "This is not asseptable" whenever she wants to say "acceptable"...

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

The first time I told The Boy to go and clean his room I stopped in my tracks, called my mother and put The Boy on the phone and had him tell her what I had just asked him to do. She enjoyed it immensely.

"Asseptable" breaks me up every time.

I have Nanny Jo's book on reserve at the library, waiting for me to pick it up this evening. Reviews on Amazon have been split, but Bonn really wanted to read it.

I wonder if she spells it correctly in the book? (I'll let you know)

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[basefinder.livejournal.com]

Drunken Irish Thug???

Oh yeah -- zzzaaappp!

Like LadyAmyBug, our only kids are furry felines, so I can only wish you the best with a situation that is beyond my comprehension.

Well, maybe I can offer one bit of advice. The cattle prod works well if you are close enough to touch the perp, but a Taser can be fired from across the loft or shtudio, if need be. :-)

Scott

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

I brew(ed) beer and had the occasional beer. My mother's father's father came over on the boat to Ellis Island from Ireland. And being the Disciplinarian in the family, that made me a thug.

As I recall, when he said it, both Bonn and I laughed out loud.

What's the firing distance of a taser? Never thought about that...

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[basefinder.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I think Taser makes different modesl that may have different specs. You may want to research their product line -- and I'm curious what The Boy will think when he sees those brochures on your coffee table!

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

Even if he saw them, I doubt he'd make the connection.

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[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

Another awesome rock sculpture!

Good luck with The Boy . . .

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

I failed to catch the backward angle of the rocks that act as the back support. The colors were way off, too, with the grass somehow appearing more blue than green.

But thanks. :-)

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[yes-rhade.livejournal.com]

Dan's yard is just amazing.

I read, I understand, I empathize. I think it is great that you and Bonn are in this together. I hope it all works out as planned.

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

You and ZF would do much the same, I'm sure.

Thanks, though.

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[fivecats.livejournal.com]

Actually, there's plenty of "step" in our family. Both The Boy and Seren are Bonn's children from her first marriage (to her psychotically deranged ex). The Boy came to live with us at age 5 and I've been his father (step-father, he's always quick to point out) since then. (As for Seren, she introduced Bonn and I! She still considers me her dad, though, which is wonderful)

Step-parenting is a tough, tough job. There are lots of divided and mixed emotions that "standard" families don't have to contend with. Some of the issues get better over time, others are harder to deal with and resolve. It really depends on the makeup of the family unit, the kids, the parents and how together the parents are on things.

As for the "Drunken Irish Thug" line, it wasn't his best line flung at me in the heat of the moment. To be extremely pretentious (do forgive me) I'll quote myself from this comment in Ayelet Waldman's now defunct blog "Bad Mother

"Our son, in his days before becoming diabetic, used to eat far too much sugar and his body's response was to become extremely irritated and aggressive with any little thing that did not go his way.

One day while we were on the front porch of the old farmhouse, this exact situation occurred. I, the Evil Step-Father, dared to say "No" to The Boy. He mounted his usual pre-teened logical Defense. I was unmoved and repeated my "No." Back and forth, back and forth.

Suddenly, he blew a gasket. His face turned beet red and, spitting the words out, he screamed:

"I Hope You Die In Flames!!!"

It has remained one of our favorite family lines to this day.

The thing is, however, what can be done with it? Well, being the Evil Step-Father that I am, I took it to school with me and used it for years during my Media Literacy classes when I was a librarian (oops, "Media Specialist") at two elementary schools. It was an example of "Sugar Rage" and all of the kids laughed and most could even relate to it to some extent.

The last time I used it was with the grade just above my son's grade. They were close enough in age to him to know who I had to be talking about and then teased him about it. He asked me to not use it again, so I did.

Oh, and I blogged it, too. :-)

(Now, in my own defense, it's a part of a long entry on coming to terms with the idea of not being such a good father.)

The Boy, who wanted to be a Rock God and "Change the Face of Music" has now switched majors and is studying Physics. Most Physics majors don't write Physics equations about how much their parent's tormented them, either.

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[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

i am in love with dan's yard!

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

So are we!

I have another handful of images to share from our trip out into his garden last month.

The best thing? His back yard is far from finished!

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[drood.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but 'drunken Irish thug' actually sounds like a lot of fun.

I do wish you had your peace again, though. Did I mention that your 2003 reflections on fatherhood made me tear up?

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

Aw, shucks. (*looks down, kicking at the dirt awkwardly*)

The Drunken Irish Thug thing does sound like a lot of fun. The biggest problem is not only have I never drunk all that much in my life, but my body doesn't tend to like alcohol that much at all any more.

These days my nights have a decided fork in the road: it's either beer or wine with dinner or (lactose free) ice cream after dinner. The two do not mix well in my stomach, little purple pill or no.

And ice cream wins out 9 times out of 10. :-)

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[velvetink.livejournal.com]

1. Dan's chair is amazing, I'm wondering what sort of stone it's made of.
2. Just how big is Dan's garden anyway?
3. I like the colours of the photo even if you're not too keen on them.
4. You're Irish? too bad LJ doesn't have sound for accents!
5. Good luck with those techniques, so hoping to hear more about them as time goes on.
6. My Girl's Physics/science teacher dropped out at year 10 & later invented a stars wars ultraviolet lazer - & mentions how he tormented his parents....in this bio;
https://sciencegrants.dest.gov.au/SciencePrize/Pages/Doc.aspx?name=previous_winners/TS2004Butler.htm
unfortunately The Girl does not want anything to do with physics. I won't go into our day :(

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

1. No idea what type of stones were used. I'll ask if he knows the next time I see him.
2. See, I'm really, really bad at measuring things. How big is something? How much is my labor worth per hour? How wide is that stream? How tall is s/he? I'll take a stab at "an acre or two" here, but I'll put that on the List of Thing to Ask Dan.
3. Bonn looked at the image last night (for the first time) and said, "I don't remember the stones being those colors." And the bluegrass is in Kentucky, not North Carolina.
4. Woah, now, there. I'm of Irish descent. And English. And French. I was born in Washington, DC of parents from DC and Pennsylvania. Not a trace of an Irish brough here, sad to say.
5. Undoubtedly The Boy will be dominating the posts for a while. I'm already writing more about him than I ever intended.
6. Neat guy. It's a shame The Girl has no interest in the subject. He seems like just the kind of teacher who can spark any student with at least a passing interest in the subject.

Hope your days get better!

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[velvetink.livejournal.com]

awwww sad now there's no accent-even if I had no chance of hearing it.

Grass is grass to me regardless of where it comes from, it's still pretty colours in the photo...the only time I care about grass is if it's Ryegrass to which I'm allergic!

Right now physics isn't cool to her, she does ok in it, but she "wants" to be another Goddard or Tarantino filmmaker...hopefully that will pass as she is a gifted writer.

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

If I listen to the accent long enough I can usually do a fairly good imitation of it. A few pints wouldn't hurt with that, either, come to think of it.

Shooting digitally is a good way to start, then editing it all digitally means she could write, direct, film and edit her own film. That way she'd be much more the Auteur that Goddard was. It also might give her an idea of just how hard filmmaking is.

She could always try scriptwriting, although that's tough, too.

*sigh*

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